Regina King and Luke Evans are here to present the Rising Star award. They say nothing of interest, but this is a tremendous nominee list. You’d be happy if any of them won, wouldn’t you?

Weisz is brilliant, isn’t she? She seems genuinely thrilled and touched to win this prize. So thrilled and touched that I can’t think of anything mean to say. I am sorry to let you down so egregiously.

Rachel Weisz wins for The Favourite. This is going to be the Foregone Conclusion Baftas, isn’t it?

Mary J Blige and Ellen Page are here to present the trophy for best supporting actress. They’ve gone for “dictionary definition of the word ‘supporting’, and then some platitudes”. A classic combination.

Melissa McCarthy is here to present Outstanding British film. This is a very strong category (apart from Bohemian Rhapsody), and it’s one of the only places to acknowledge You Were Never Really Here, which definitely isn’t going to win.

BURN! Literally everything Lumley says is met with total deafening, all-encompassing silence. The fact that she hasn’t physically withered up into a pile of sand in the face of such genuinely terrible material makes her 20 times better than any of us. Long may she continue. In life, that is. Not in this monologue – this monologue is causing me pain.

More red hot monologue action now. BURN! Actors often have chauffeurs. BURN! Bradley Cooper has a strong work ethic. BURN! The Favourite is called The Favourite. BURN! The word “mess” rhymes with the word “dress”. BURN! The word “Cannes” rhymes with the word “Klan”.

The monologue has now given way to a recap of every single film nominated this year, or every film released this year, or every film released ever. It’s dragging a bit, is what I’m trying to say.

Now for a searing satirical monologue, in which … wait. Did Joanna Lumley just imply that she would definitely write a bunch of homophobic tweets if she had a Twitter account? Let’s assume so. Cancel her!

Richard E Grant thanks each acrobat as they leave the stage. Of course he does.

This acrobatty stuff is all very odd. The only reason why anyone watches acrobatics is because there’s a very real chance that someone will fall and hurt themselves. It only works live. But this show is conspicuously prerecorded, which makes me think that Bafta is trolling us all.

Lumley dresses up as a spaceman and everyone’s very excited. Then, in a horrifying replay of last year, we get a Cirque du Soleil thing that refuses to end. Also: they are all dressed as astronauts.

This was all worked out back when everyone thought First Man was going to sweep the awards, wasn’t it?

The show begins with Joanna Lumley saying “bollocks”, which is immediately endearing. Then there’s a montage of her dressing up as all the nominated films. She also does a pretty convincing Freddie Mercury impression, just to show Rami Malek that he isn’t as special as he thinks he is.

But of course, before the ceremony begins, here’s a highlights package of the red carpet. They include Amy Adams saying that the Baftas are her favourite awards. GIVE HER THE BEST ACTRESS AWARD RIGHT THIS INSTANT.

Finally – FINALLY – we get to find out who will win the Baftas. The Baftas are just about to start. Strap in gang.

Ten minutes until the Baftas start on BBC One.

Also, it was a phantom pregnancy. I’m taking that as a win.

If I’ve gone quiet, by the way, it’s because Call the Midwife is on. I’m 70% sure that there’s a pregnant man on tonight’s episode.